Many times in my life coaching work, I get to work with parents looking to develop a healthier image/esteem/confidence in their kids. Many times, they will want definitive answers: is spanking good or bad? Is it ok for my son to cry? Is it ok that my daughter is tough? Am I too tough and competitive? Am I too easy and not challenging them enough?

The answer is always the same. Find the balance. Children need (and want) both love and discipline. And here’s my experience that cemented that lesson for me.

When I signed up my son Jonathan to play tackle football a couple years ago, we were both a little anxious. His anxiety existed because he had grown up watching football and seeing my passion for it, both playing and watching, and he was afraid of getting hit – a normal reaction for first time players.

My anxiety rested in that little checkmark that I put on the application form – the box asking if Dad would be participating. Being an aggressive personality and passionate about football, my wife and I decided that I should check it – the box for ‘head coach’ – both to spend time with my son on the field and to teach others which is my passion.

Being a first-time coach, I had choices to make and obstacles to overcome. As I had not been a coach before, I had an ‘initiation’ to go through. When I looked around the room at our first coaches meeting, it was obvious most coaches came in with ‘buddies’. They had coached their kids together in soccer and basketball and, having a good idea of the kids’ talents, they joined forces to give their teams a competitive edge. Jeez this is just second grade!

So they paired me up with other first-time coaches for assistants and handed out the roster. We all did a double take as the rosters included every team and included both the kids’ weight and speed in the 40-yard dash. Out of 12 teams, we had something like the 11th slowest bunch and the 11th smallest team. Crap.

I assure you that I wanted to bond with my son and my kids and to create a great team experience. But make no mistake, I wanted these kids to experience winning and learn tough love and hard work.

So, I put in some overtime on planning our practices. I knew to make our kids competitive, we had to keep it simple and then we had to do simple better than any other team. I also had to push them and here is the key – you should only push kids within their own personal limits. My son, who was used to my tough love along with other kids on the team, ran many, many laps for lack of concentration or goofing around. With other kids who were more embarrassed easily, I or my assistants just pulled them aside or whispered direction and encouragement between plays.

Competition builds a healthy self-esteem and confidence, but my challenge was to meet each kid at their own breaking-point and push them to their best efforts, without pushing them over. And, thanks to a great group of parents – all of whom mirrored their child’s personality – as they stayed late and we were the last team off the practice field every night.

We started off 0-2, but we didn’t change our routine. And how do you think our kids responded? We kept up with the encouragement and with the tough love. You know what? We won the rest of our games to make it into the season-ending playoffs in the championship bracket. On one beautiful fall Saturday, our little team of misfits pushed, shoved, blocked, ran and passed themselves into a win from our nemesis, a tie with the best team in the league and a 1-touchdown loss to the eventual champion.

I assure you that at our season-end party, our kids walked 2 inches taller than when we started the season. Not just because we overcame so much and earned the respect of all the other teams, coaches and players, but as much because of how we did it.

We gave them balance. We encouraged them to find their strengths, however big or small and put them in competitive situations where they could succeed. And succeed they did not in wins alone mind you, but in personal growth. To this day, my son still talks about that season and how much fun he had with me and his team. And this is from the kid who ran more laps than anybody on our team!

The best checkmark I ever made.

Author | Dave Darby

Dave Darby is a husband, father of 5, son, entrepreneur, speaker and well, a renaissance man who frequently needs to dump his brain on thoughts about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.