This sucks.  It’s not even fair.

I spent 2 days in wretching pain before spending 5 hours in agony in the emergency room, had a guy playing ‘dig for veins’ in both arms, drank 3 glasses of putrid CT scan oil and spent nearly a week stuck in the middle of the 2 ends of my alimentary canal fighting over the porcelain bowl.

By the way, for those of you who insert IVs it’s never a good idea to ask ‘man, doesn’t that hurt?’ as you search for a vein in a manner that would give probable cause for drunken driving.  Of course, I joked and like to show off my tolerance for pain, but that has to be a bad line for most people.  Seriously, talk about the weather or how the last patient in this cubicle painted the walls with their lunch.  Not about how I should now apply this cotton ball with sufficient pressure to keep my punctured artery from exploding.  Definitely bad.  Definitely bad there Rain Man.

So, I’ve taken advantage of my weeks of this digestive ‘slippery slope’.  I’ve all but given up my Coke addiction and now regularly drink water and, for the occasional Sprite or Coke, I resort to only half a glass.  And I’ve only lost 7 lbs.  I know, I know.  I should be excited – that’s a lot of weight in 3 weeks.  Only 3 more months of that and I’m down 2 inches and floating at the 2 buck mark.

However, Jul spent 2 hours in labor and dropped 12lbs.  Damnit!  She’s so competitive.  Oh, BRING IT ON, GIRL!  I’ll race you down – my 25lbs for your 20lbs.  Of course, those ignorant of history are…well, ignorant.  Now that I think about it, it usually only takes her about 6 weeks to be back in her jeans.  Hmmm…could be a tough fight.

If I could only give birth to about a 12lb baby of ‘just a couple more doritos’ and ‘sure, I’ll upsize for ONLY $0.29’ and ‘for sale: like-new punching bag used only 10 times’!

Yep.  Lot of reasons I’m a size 36.  But it’s time to think of all the reasons that I am going back to a 34.  Time to turn back the clock on father fat.

So far so good.  How many guys can say they actually lost weight during their wive’s pregnancy?

Author | Dave Darby

Dave Darby is a husband, father of 5, son, entrepreneur, speaker and well, a renaissance man who frequently needs to dump his brain on thoughts about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.