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• Our Legacy Plan – Goals for Our Children (Step 2)

  Dec 7, 2006Posted by Dave Darby

  So, the first step in establishing goals for our children and building successful families is: 1. Goals must be POSITIVE and SPECIFIC

  On to our next goal.

  2. Goals must be ACTIONABLE

  The definition of a goal: “the result or achievement toward which effort is directed.???

  You see that word – effort?  Webster and his team knew what they were doing when the crafted this definition of goal.  Without effort, there can be no achievement.  Without achievement, there is no goal, but only a wish or a dream.  Let’s save wishes and dreams for Disney.  Now, I love Disney, but we’re trying to help ourselves and help our children – for that we need action.

  I come across many people each year who have unactionable (and therefore unrealistic) goals.  These people, without exception, embrace frustration and it usually spills over to me as I can see this happen, but I am usually rendered helpless when they cannot see the forest for the trees.

  Put simply, you cannot lose weight unless you start exercising.  You cannot get out of debt unless you stop spending.  You cannot make money unless you do work that is in demand.  You cannot replace co-dependent, suffocating relationships with truly supportive, interdependent relationships if you do not learn the difference.  You cannot get over an addiction unless you fill the void with something positive and gratifying.

  So look at your goals and look at the goals you have for your children.  Are they really goals or just wishes (i.e. are they actionable?)  Creating actionable goals serves two purposes.  First, it allows you to eat an elephant 1 bite at a time - break what would otherwise be an enormous goal into small goals whose progress of parts achieves the whole.  Second, actionable goals allow you to monitor progress and make adjustments.

  Let’s take a look at one of the goal comparison’s we used in 1. Goals must be POSITIVE and SPECIFIC:

  Many parents have the negative, non-actionable goal for their children to ‘not do drugs’.  Notice that that was nowhere on our personal goal list for our children.  Do we want our children to do drugs?  Of course not.  ‘Say No to Drugs’ is a rather simple, negative, weakly actionable statement.  The action – ‘say no’.  The real problem with drugs?  Drugs are a coping mechanism that kids (and adults) use to cope with loneliness, dissatisfaction, disconnectedness and lack of control.  Why else would kids who were taught to ‘just say no’ give in to peer pressure anyway?

  The real problem here is not drugs – it is loneliness, dissatisfaction, disconnectedness and lack of control.  If you take another look at our goals for our children, you can see that our goals tackle the real problem that drugs attempt to solve.  Our goal is to beat drugs to the punch and leave drug use as a weaker alternative by giving our children a family connectedness, allow them to exercise increasing control over their lives and encouraging them to find their own satisfaction by pursuing their interests and talents.

  Have you noticed that since Nancy Reagan’s ‘Just Say No to Drugs’ campaign back in the 80s that drugs are just as rampant if not more?  After all of that marketing and attention, today’s kids are running Cyrstal-Meth labs in every community – wealthy and poor alike.  What happened?  We engaged in the wrong solution to the wrong problem and the goal was not Positive, Specific and Actionable.

  So dealing with the real problems that kids face sounds deep and when compared to something as simple as ‘just say no to drugs’, it is rather deep.  But when compared to all of the complexities a person will face in life, our goals are rather simple, actionable and effective.

  One last thought.  I’ve always found myself mired in the oddity of a person with no goals who mocks the person with changing goals.  Which leads to the next point, don’t let other people tell you what your goals should or should not be.  And really, don’t take advice from someone who dreams or wishes more than they set and achieve goals.  They will take you down with them at the most and at the very least, they will distract you and keep you from your ‘destiny’.  Stick with the people who offer you real support and encouragement no matter your goals.

  Next up: 3. Goals must be FLEXIBLE

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