All posts in personalities

  • Stuck in Wichita or Marooned with Wilson?

    Aug 17, 2008Posted by Dave Darby

    Introversion – one of those words that society has deemed negative.  How odd.  Why?  There are a lot of people who consider themselves to be introverts that are actually extraverts with low self-esteem.  I’ve spent time with many people like this who feel like they are afflicted with a disorder of sorts.  They admire those that they consider to be ‘true extraverts’ and see themselves as weaker, therefore opposite, therefore introverted.  The results?  The two words – weak & introverted - become interchangeable.  Of course, there are plenty of true introverts out there, but they aren’t necessarily quiet so you cannot define them (or yourself) by chattiness.

    But you should also know that many ‘extraverts’ are not truly extraverts, but introverts with low self-esteem who try to overcompensate.  You know the type – they seem to fit the extrovert pattern, talk, talk, talk – but the talk is one-sided and at some point you begin to wonder if their ears are for decoration or purely function as glasses holders.  Right?  Think Del Griffith (John Candy) in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  Chatty Cathy doll.  That’s not extraversion – that’s loneliness and fear.  Here’s a little tip to help you recognize the difference if you suspect you have encountered a ‘Del’.  During your ‘conversation’ say the strangest word that comes to mind – say, gopher, for example.  If they effortlessly and without pause jump into a story about gophers – run!

    And who was stuck in Wichita with Del but Neal (Steve Martin).  An introvert who just wanted to get home to his quiet family.  Who just wanted to quietly read his newspaper.  A true introvert hillariously paired with a masked introvert with gopher-syndrome.

    Carl Jung, the father of modern personality studies coined the terms extravert and introvert to describe the two polarities of energy in personalities.  Meaning: extraverts gain energy from the outside world and lose energy from the inside world and introverts are, as expected, the opposite.

    Personally, I am extraverted.  I gain energy from sharing experiences with people – and I want to hear their experiences as much as I want to share mine.  For me, learning (and teaching) happens in those shared experiences.  Too little interaction sucks the life out of extraverts like me.  Think Tom Hanks in “Cast Away” whose extraverted character brilliantly survives an island marooning by mimicking – in great detail - a relationship with a stray volleyball he named ‘Wilson’ - right down to the problem solving of breaking up, reconciling then letting go.  It was only when he lost Wilson that Tom Hank’s character quit and let his paddles go.  Now don’t pretend that you didn’t cry when Wilson ‘died’ and Hanks gave up and drifted on alone. ;)

    And when I am working late at night or mired deeply in a multitude of projects to the point that my social interaction is weakened, this blog becomes my ‘Wilson’.  You’re not saying much back to me (that I can hear anyway ;) , but I’ve painted a little face on my computer screen and pretend that my stories affect you and that you have stories to share back.  And no, I am not on medication, but thanks for asking…;)  That’s extraversion.

    Introversion is just the opposite.  I know many people that enjoy company and conversation, but love the opportunity for aloneness to recharge and process their thoughts privately.  Too much interaction sucks the life out of them.  And remember, introverts can be chatty too.  The difference is that they won’t chat as long.  They will tune out mentally and at some point physically as their energy drops and they will process the thoughts that were generated later – alone.

    So define yourself and learn how to recharge yourself by recognizing where you derive your energy.  I’ve had many deep conversations about life, politics, religion, you name it with both types of personalities – and for me, the extravert, I go home charged.  So charged that I can’t sit still.  I have to re-digest what I’ve learned with my wife and at some point near exhaustion, I finally retreat with the information and examine it internally.  Introverts skip the whole re-digesting part and likely put the information away until they have the energy again to examine it.

    Problem solving, by the way, takes both extraversion and introversion.  We need extraversion to publicly challenge our assumptions (introverts hate this) and collect enough information.  And equally, introversion helps us to step out of the chaos that is life (extraverts hate this) and correct our course.  Introversion is a skill everyone should have at least to a small degree.  Yet, society will tell you that introversion is negative.  Bunk.

    And this all begs the questions – which are you – introverted or extraverted?  Do you sometimes feel stuck in Wichita with Del or are you more likely to feel marooned with Wilson?  And how has this polarity affected your relationships?  Can you think of times where you’ve socially been paired up with someone similar to you – you probably gained energy from this.  And how about those times when you are paired up with the opposite personality – a draining time?

    The net gain here is to identify your energy source and recognize the energy needs/abilities of those around you.  When you are feeling adventurous, sit down with an opposite, but when you feel like you are battling for energy, find your comfort zone with a like-minded person and recharge.  This information should help you improve both your personal and professional relationships.  Many marriages have been saved with this knowledge just as many businesses have grown faster than believed possible with it.

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    Life Coaching, Sociology
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  • Help for Random Writers

    May 14, 2007Posted by Dave Darby

    When it comes to reading newspapers (people still do that??), I prefer the online versions and I enjoy the likes of the Washington Post and New York Times.  Being a more global thinker, I obviously enjoy more global news.

    One of my e-newsletters is about book reviews.  Admittedly, I rarely actually read this newsletter beyond the captions, but occasionally something jumps out at me.  Today, it was advertisement.

    The advertisement is for??Circa customizable notebooks by Levenger.  As an aspiring author, I immediately ‘get’ and appreciate this concept of ‘movable, organizable’ pages.

    The perfect tool for random thinkers who write on anything that sits still.  Now, if they’d just put a pen holder in the toilet paper dispenser.  Don’t laugh – I have actually made notes on toilet paper before.  Call it diarrhea of the brain. ;)

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    Learning & Teaching
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  • The Thinking Process: Why Do You Think That Way?

    May 4, 2007Posted by Dave Darby

    Wednesday it was HOW.  Today is WHY.

    So random thinking or sequential thinking – if you read Wednesday, then you’ve given thought as to which you are and probably psychoanalyzed everyone around you – good!

    As I showed you, being left-brain or right-brain dominant has both advantages and disadvantages.

    But what makes one person left-brain dominant (sequential/logical – 80-90% of the population) or right-brain dominant (random/creative – 10-20% of the population)?

    Training.

    I know, you were expecting me to give a creative, intangible idea like ‘genetics’ weren’t you?  Sorry.  It’s time to bust the genetic bubble for what it is – ignorance run amok.  Scientists are laughing in their little labs – “People want answers – this is the 21st century.  But, we don’t know the answers.  Well, just tell them it’s genetic – they won’t know what the hell that means and they will give us more money to research and leave us alone for awhile.”

    It’s this simple:

    • physical traits = genetics
    • social/emotional traits = conditioning/learned behavior

    For example: scientists love to tell us that obesity is genetic.  And we fall for it because, well, it makes us feel better to believe that it’s ‘one of those things’ we cannot control.

    I am overweight – hell, technically I am obese as I pack 225lb onto a 6 foot, broad frame.  I should be a buck-85.  That’s 40lbs overweight.  Do I look 40lbs overweight?  No.  I have a broad chest and can get away with an extra 20.  But do I look 20lbs overweight?  Hell yes.  Why?

    The mass majority of people who are overweight or obese will tell you – they eat a lot of food and have very little physcial activity.  They’re not obese because they eat salads and have plenty of physical activity.  They’re obese, and they will almost always tell you this, because they are bored, depressed or unmotivated.  That’s learned behavior/conditioning – not genetics.  Parents with bad habits (say little excerise and heavy eating in this example) - teach, here’s a surprise – BAD HABITS.  That’s not genetics, that’s influence.

    I would love to see the exception to the rule: the person labeled as having a thyroid problem who does not wrestle with depression, motivation and social starvation.  I’m sure it exists, but that surely is not representative of the vast majority of overweight people in this country.  So, let’s stop pretending and going with the easy labeling of genetics.  And hey, if I’m wrong, tell me this: why with all of these medical advances (snake oils) are we as a society more miserable, more overweight, more depressed, more ADD, more on and on and on that we ever have been in the history of homosapiens?

    Personally, I am not one to overeat.  However, I work 80 hours a week – I don’t give enough time to excersice.  Whenever I do get out and sweat with the kids or work around the yard, I drop weight.  But, I don’t keep it off.  Not because of genetics.  Because I get back into my low-metabolic routine.  And the point – I don’t care right now.  Building a national reputation and helping the masses is our life.  I justify that trade out, my ideal health for the extra time, to get LifeMAPP on the map.

    So, back on track.  Obviously, in the Nature vs Nurture debate, I see the formula as 95% Nurture.

    Jul is and I are both right-brain random/creatives.  Our goal is to raise balanced-brain children.  To do that, you have to begin with training them to be right-brain/creative – it’s much harder to teach creativity than it is logic – so we teach and train our children to be creative, then we mix in logic.  We have 5 kids who at this point have 3 distinct personalities.  All 3 so far are right-brain dominant and I fully expect the other 2 to be as well. Because that is how we are conditioning/training them to be.

    Why?  How?

    It is actually simple (remember Ockham’s Razor?).  Left-brained individuals tend to be realists just as right-brained individuals tend to be intuitives.  The difference between realists and intuitives?  Seeing and being open to the possibilities that exist.

    In real life terms?  When our first-born started climbing the stairs at 14 months old, we let him.  I’ve watched many parents cringe at that idea.  Had we protected Jonathan, he would have had a different reality.  He would have seen stairs as a utility to get from one floor to the next and focused on the potential for danger.

    Instead, we (meaning I) let him explore.  I encouraged Jul to stand back and watch rather than hover and protect.  Stand back enough to let him fall, but close enough that he never tumbled more than a few stairs.  Because of this, Jonathan saw the stairs as an adventure with many possibilities and saw (and felt) the inherent dangers of being careless.  He saw the possibilities AND the reality of pain.

    Now, like any parent, I didn’t like to walk out into the foyer and see my 2 year old climbing up the stairs – on the outside.  He was undaunted that he had nothing between him and the wood floor 12 feet below.  Rather than panic and squash his enthusiasm, I assumed the catch position while letting him work his way back down.  Then, we sat down and talked about risks – and gravity.  After a few of those talks (and a few gray hairs for Mommy) he stopped doing that.

    Same thing on the playground.

    You see, if done properly, kids can learn to see possibilities and because of those possibilities, see a greater reality.  If you teach kids reality alone, they not only miss the possibilities, but their reality is skewed and distorted.

    It’s easy to spot the brain preference of kids (and adults for that matter).  If you see a child playing with a fire truck and that fire truck goes forwards, backwards and rushes to the scene to put out fires – left-brained/sequential/logical.  If however, you see a child playing with a fire truck that, at 88mph reaches warp speed, achieves lift off, spiraling through space – right-brained/random/creative.

    Tonka truck – created by a sequential thinker.  Transformers, well you get it.

    How much you wanna bet that the inventor of the gabillion dollar seller of transformers was told at some point by a logical – ‘why, that’s ridiculous, why can’t a truck just be a truck for God’s sake!’

    Righhhhht!  Or is it left?

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    Business Coaching, Leadership & Legacy, Learning & Teaching, Life Coaching, Parenting
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